Monti sorgenti dall'acque
by TotemundTabu
Summary: I guess I should consider myself lucky. The bad times are supposed to be over, but, still, I can't stop this foreboding sense ofsomething wicked that comes uninvited and destroys everything again. I am used to slavery, I am used to losing my freedom, but to lose people I could never get used to. Holy Roman.


**Monti sorgenti dall'acque**

_Ein Schatten naht, verdunkelt alle Welt,_

_Löscht deine Schritte, nimmt dich mit._

_Dich fort._

Eisblume - _Louise_

When he took me away, I was too weak to cross and thwart.

I was just swept up by the events, experiencing how cold, icy, deadly, the waters of History may be on the flesh of a kid.

When they ravaged and sacked me, I fell apart.

Like my own refined Murano glass.

I was alone, all alone. Suddenly, nobody was by my side, neither my granddad nor my brother. And when I collapsed, crawling to the ground, nobody helped me to get up.

I am feeble.

I am frail.

I can't change that, even if everyday I try to become stronger, even if I always try to oppose my nature, that's simply the way I am. So, even if I truly wanted to become a stronger nation, inside my head a thought grew stronger and stronger, day by day.

"I want to be loved for the one I am.".

Is it so absurd? Is it so arrogant?

I always was self-conscious enough to know my flaws: even in the Reinassance splendour, I was a battleground, shattered between comuni and little states. I owned nothing but a devasted land that craved for more.

Even if I always was useless, I really wanted to be needed.

To me, being all divided in smaller regions was truly good, but I wanted to unify with Romano just in order to not be dominated anymore. I wanted to be stronger to be free, but the type of Freedom I wanted was a bit unintelligible and obscure for people who used to think that the only way to be is dominating the other around them.

In the "do wrong or suffer it" philosophy I never believed, I wouldn't be able to be a shark.

And it's not even because of my weakness, it's just an emotional handicap.

I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to hurt anybody else. Wouldn't be easier and happier to live in a world without any trace of blood?

I dream to be able to lay under a shining August sun without feeling worried about the future. And I really prefer the others to think I am an enthusiastic, always optimist idiot than a scared kid who tries to see the bright side of the events.

I like Germany so much ...

Healways sees the dark side, but, somehow, he manages to face it without even a shiver, while I keep running and screaming.

I am just so tired of losing pieces of me in the Time.

I am just so sick of my life taking everything from me and leaving me with ruins of what I used to be.

I am not just pieces.

I really wanted to grow up, I really hoped to get stronger.

"Farewell, ye mountains springing from the waters, and elevated to the heavens" - oh, Lucia, how many times I have to say "goodbye"? How many times have I lost somebody and I felt homeless?

But, even if centuries passed, I was never able to forget them, not even one of them: not my granpa, not my brother, not Austria and Hungary... and absolutely not Holy Roman Empire.

I miss them all.

I miss them everyday.

_"Veee... " - I smiled, closing the little coffeecup to my mouth - " Austria's coffee is always so sweet."_

_"Speak your mind, Italy. " - you murmured, with the voice as sharp as a dagger, with that disappointed look of your - " I know what you want and your know my answer is 'no'."_

_Freedom, peace, love._

_To hold again my Romano._

_Was it so foolish?_

_"But, Austria, I..."_

_"Shut up."_

_Your coffee danced, some spilt on the dark damask carpet. You trembled and you never seemed so thin and fragile before._

_Your violet purple eyes were suddenly sombre and dull._

_Hungary hesitated, lingering on the doorstep of the living room, holding her hands to her chest. _

_"...but, my brother... he is waiting for me."_

_"Do I look like I care?" you tried to hiss but it seemed like a weak prayer._

_You were tired, Austria, just like me._

_"If it's strictly needed, I will rebel. " - I still don't know why I said it with such a determined voice, it was just like I had to prove I was an adult - " Even if I would prefer not to fight against you and madame Hungary."_

_I remember the taste of my own blood._

_I remember how my cheek ached. The creepy creak of your knuckles, while the back of your hand hit me._

_I remember how it burned._

_"Why do you all go away?"_

_I reached my eyes, shaking._

_You were there, with yours at the floor, Hungary coming close to see if it was allright._

_You were sad, just like me._

_"Why do everybody just go away?"_

_You missed them all, just like me._

_"I am not going far away... " - I felt my chest so tight, because losing somebody else was the last thing I wanted - " I couldn't. You, this house, these centuries are carved into me. I won't be able to change it, even if I wanted to. I am more yours than mine, I may not be changed from the kid I was, but I have the dreams I have because of you, the nation I want to be... it's because of what you taught me."_

_The nation I want to be._

_The nation I want to become._

_You looked at me with a perplexed, exhausted gaze._

_"And what's your dream, Italy?"_

_To see them again._

_To hold them again._

_Not to be alone again._

_My brother's hand at the left, Holy Roman's at the right. I want them back._

_"In my dreams, everybody is still with me."_

But, even if Time passed, even if History accomplished her plan, even if everything went the way it was supposed to be, still everything is so fragile that I am seriously scared every moment could be the last one.

I unified with Lovino but we are still two separate entities, and that means that one day he could be taken away from me.

I'm not safe, he's not safe.

And somebody else... didn't even come home to me.

Somebody else didn't return.

I feel so bad, starting to have beats in my heart for another person, starting to think about somebody else, to wait for him, to... to want him, when _he_'s still so far away.

He promised to return, but I have been alone for centuries waiting for him. And it's obvious I am not over him.

Then why do I keep waiting for summer, when Germany comes to visit me?

Then why, suddenly, do I want it to last all the year?

Isn't it completely stupid, corrosive and damaging to look forward to so distant a time? And hoping for it to last longer and longer, longer than everything?

...and isn't it so cruel to start to love him, while I am supposed to wait for Holy Roman to come back?

I am that kind of person, aren't I? How do they say: to have the foot in both camps?

Does it make me the rotten apple of the basket?

Austria and I had other fights, but we started to get along well, eventually, and even the quarrels with my brother are getting better everyday, Germany is closer than he ever was; so, in the end, I guess I should be happy.

I guess I should consider myself lucky.

The bad times are supposed to be over, but, still, I can't stop this foreboding sense ofsomething wicked that comes uninvited and destroys everything again. I am used to slavery, I am used to losing my freedom, but to lose people I could never get used to.

Holy Roman.

I would just want to see you once again, to hold you, to touch your hair, to say 'goodbye' properly. I would just like an hour, to say 'sorry', to say 'thank you', to say 'I love you'.

I want to spend an hour choking back tears, forcing a smile on my face, so that you didn't have to go away again seeing this ugly face of mine tear-stained.

I want to spend an hour in that self-mutilating dream of having you back with me.

Oh, it's such a gross feeling.

I have an awful taste in emotions, I still wonder how I was able to be such a land full of poets and painters.

Maybe I should just quit daydreaming. It's no use.

The wind near the lake is always so fresh, so tender, it takes the good smell of the sweet teal green water under it. And the mountains near it are always so bright, light, they seem to really reach the sky.

It's always so calm here... always so full of grace.

The Time changed the buildings, the cafés and even the people, but it will never change the deeply gentle, mellifluous aura of this place.

Sublime, _das Erhabene_. It's one of the first word I learned in German.

"Italy!"

"Mh? " - is it just my immagination? - " Germany?"

Why are you here now?

"I,umh, well... winter holidays were so quiet last year, I thought it would be okay to come here for a while."

I don't even know how to answer...

I am still looking at your lips, like if it would be possible to see your voice and translate your words into something more clear an certain.

How I am supposed to interpret this?

Germany, you do not do things without notice.

"...do I bother you?"

"No, no, not at all! " - a cheerful smile, holding your arm - " How could it be possible for Germany to disturb me? I am happy!"

"...are you okay? You seemed to melanchonic looking at the lake."

Your skin is always so warm.

Always.

Isn't Germany supposed to be a cold land? And me the warm one? Then why, why, everytime I touch this skin do I feel like it's burning and everytime I am alone I feel like I'm turning into ice?

Oh... I am so cheesy.

Like I didn't really know the answer.

"Vee! I was just thinking about the meal. We should eat pasta, not, wait, a good risotto! Do you like perch?"

"I've never eaten it..."

When you are, even a bit, awkward, you start muttering.

And your cheeks are turning a slight reddish. Just like his.

Am I so bad? Am I really hoping for you two to be the same? I don't even know if it's for justify myself or because I don't really want to cho- oh, yes, I don't have to choose. How silly of me.

"You will like it: it's sweet and delicate."  
"Sounds like the corresponding fish version of Italy. " - I blink and you seem to realize just now what I actually said - " Ehy, I didn't mean anything improper!"

I smile and nod.

You are not good at telling lies, Germany, and I don't feel like teaching you... I prefer you the way you are.

...I just hope these days won't disappear in the wind.

I just hope for you to be with me forever. Because forever is a very long long time and I don't think I could bear it alone.

Or with just the company of my ghosts.

So, my dream, this time, is that: I want to sleep soundly in Germany's arms until the last day of the earth.

"And after that, we will have a good Tiramisù!"

"May I ask you one more thing?"

"Sure! Germany can ask for everything he wants."

"What were you watching before with that teary look?"

"Oh! " - I stutter - " I... umh, the mountains springing from the waters."

Germany gives a quick look to them. A smile wides on his lips.

A gentle one, as everytime he looks at my land.

"They are beautiful."

I hold your hand and I make a little oath to myself.

This Valentine's Day... I will be the one with the bouquet for you.

Small notes: The title and the "mountains springing from the waters" verse don't belong to me, but to Alessando Manzoni, but since it's such a nice, deep sentence and I always feel how beautiful it is when I go to the lake near my city, I felt using it for Feli would have been nice. Also, Lucia is the main character of his novel. I hope it's not horrible *laughs* unfortunately, I put some bad things about my life in it. Aw. XD Thank you, RockBaby, for beta!


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